we're never given anything we can't handle!

WOW! it's been so long since we've blogged I dont even know where to start! I believe our last post was way back in March and so much has happened since then! Right now, BJ & I are expecting our 3rd child :) I am 24 wks & 3 days along. Up until now, this pregnancy was great! & then-- on Tuesday I went in for my regular OB appointment and immediately got sent to Labor & Delivery at the American Fork Hospital. With AJ & Ami I delivered early due to high blood pressure & diabetes. & once again, my blood pressure is acting up! I dont know why but with this pregnancy Ive been experiencing some not so great things! things that i've never experienced in my whole 20 years of being diabetic! just recently w/in the past couple months or so-- BJ and I had noticed that we were starting to lose money a lot faster and we had no idea where it was going??? we went over bank statements and purchases and found some things that just werent right! on our statements we had purchases for cigarrettes, money pulled out at odd times of the night, and other weird random things. I really started to worry because I knew that most of the things happening and being purchased weren't made by us! Then-- one morning i woke up and did my normal morning routine. Went to my purse to grab my insulin before i made breakfast for me and the kids and when i opened my purse-- i had 7 packs of unopened cigarrettes! along with that, i had receipts and on the receipt the time of purchase was on it and it said the purchase was made at 4 am! with no recollection of any of this-- i became really concerned and decided to give my dr a call. I went in for an appointment with my endocrynologist & diabetic management specialist and they told me that I am experiencing what they call black out spells OR BO-Spells. I've noticed that thru all the hardships that we're going thru. I seem completely conscience thru all these episodes that I go thru but-- I really AM NOT ALL THERE! & afterwards, i have no idea what i've done! I've found myself doing things that i wouldnt normally do! Things that arent me at all! It seems like, I go after things that I feel we need more of like money! and things that we dont have but- ARENT MINE! i've been evaluated by my dr's a couple times here in the hospital where i've had a couple episodes & they say that my spells are at a level 4 with 6 being the worst! They fear for my kids being under my care due to my "black outs" and warn me not to be by myself anymore until i do deliver becuz it can happen anytime! my worst fear is that i might do something w/o knowing and put my kids in danger. this is probably one of the hardest things ive experienced and its not even close to over. i am praying dilligently for better health and for the safety of my kids. im NOT crazy! its just another stepping stone that im going to have to pull myself over! right now-- im concentrating on getting healthy and carrying this beautiful spirit inside of me as long as i can. even though the dr says that the BO Spells will stop once i deliver i feel like its just too much! i want things to go back to normal. i dont like feeling like im being watched or not trusted! but-- i know i can do it! as for my kids. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! you are what keeps me going! i want nothing but the best things for you! AJ, you are so smart! you've brought so much joy to my life! giving birth to you has seriously been thee greatest thing! it's taught me the meaning of LOVE! i thank God everyday for allowing me to raise you and watch you grow into the handsome young boy you are becoming. Amiahnrah Nevaeh-- you are the definition of BEAUTY! a true angel! you've shown me strength and taught me that no matter how hard things get-- you just have to fight and get thru it. Thru the short 17 months that you've been here w/me. you've endured so much! your the strongest little girl i know! i love you two more then anyone will ever know and mommy promises-- im gonna get thru this! I LOVE YOU!

Amara